Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Christmas Past

Did I have a good Christmas?
I have to say I did. I didnt feel as lacking in Christmas Spirit as I did last year , but neither did I feel the same excitement and gleeful anticipation I used to. I have realised though that it may have been many many years since I actually felt the sort of childlike thrill i am nostalgically remembering. Maybe I have finally grown up!
Only Son made a comment that he was glad I felt more Christmassy this year, so he must have been  aware that I  didnt last year
I did make a concious effort to be positive and count my blessings in the run up to Christmas and to enjoy things as they come.
That sounds very 'worthy' and forced but it wasnt. I am aware I tend to look on the bleak side (blame my mother) and I could undervalue the many many good things I have in my life by doing so. Looking back I think I am lucky that I have experienced most of my adult (and all of my childhood) christmasses as magical. Thst 31 years when I  catered and entertained at home, ( that number allows for one at my sisters , one in bed with flu, one at daughter no 2's) , somthing that many people view as a nightmare. Almost every adult I know doesnt feel the 'magic' anymore
I think the shine wore off a bit as I went through seperation and divorce, when money and logistics became a problem. Since then of course both daughters have moved out and although I see them over Christmas , D1 and hubby on eve and D2 and partner for Christmas dinner, it isnt the same. I had blamed my lack of Spirit on my own mood and worried that something was wrong , with myself or my relationship with SBF, but I think its just that I had failed to recognise that life moves on , as it should. Working full time ,which is fairly new for me has also meant that its been blimpin hard the last couple of years to organise the festive celebrations, especially since I 'lose' every other weekend at  SBF's house. Anyhoo, this year when lovely things happened I revelled in them, and tried not to get pre occupied with worries . The Nutcracker did set me up well I must admit . So what did I do ?
We drove to Cannock Chase to get the tree early(ish) on the 11th Dec as I was expecting to help D1 move house the following weekend . It was the best tree we have ever had. The top brushed the ceiling , and we didnt have to trim at all. It was the perfect shape and so beautiful. All SBF did was cut the very top to fit the star on :). I love getting up to the scent of pine and light the twinkly (all white of course)  lights  at every opportunity. The tree gave gave me such pleasure . I tried to explain to SBF how important it was to me ,and that the constant nagging every year about my choice of a real tree does hurt my feelings. I thought it had gone in , but he made a few jibes, which he thinks are funny so I dont know if he did understand at all. He  says ' I have to express my opinion ', ..well yes, but I KNOW your opinion now since you express it every year and at great length, even though I dont ask you for it . However, for the most part he was kind and helpful about it. D1 did move on the 17th so that saturday was taken up with humping lifting and cleaning followed by an exhausted early night. Sunday we just chilled. I was on holiday after that. Monday visited Mad Aunt  in the home . She was fine , in pretty good spirits considering she is still convinced that her sister (90) has shacked up with her dead husband. His death doesnt seem to be a bar to adultery, and he has apparently asked for a divorce.
That week I shopped and cooked, wrapped ,in this years theme of brown paper, green twine , ink stamped motifs and homemade tags, then delivered presents. Christmas itself followed much the same pattern as always. Meal on Eve with Daughter1 and her husband SBF and Only Son (Paella) . Smoked salmon and champagne breakfast on Christmas day, then traditional turkey dinner with D2 her boyf , Only son and SBF, followed by games and arguments! Result!